11:03 pm 6/27/17
At least I’m not posting this at 2am. That’s a win for the day in and of itself.
Did you ever notice that there seems to “dark” periods in life where shit seems to be happening to many of the people you know? I’ve heard the theory about bad things happening in three’s, but that’s not what I mean.
In my 5-ish decades of living, I’ve definitely noticed periods where bad stuff happens to many people around me. There have also been “golden”periods — months or years of a Camelot sort of existence where everything is good for friends, family and acquaintances. The mid to late 90’s was that Camelot time for me, and I even got divorced during that period.
It’s almost as if the universe syncs itself to whichever energy is being given the most focus by the world. I know this sounds hokey, and New Age-ish, and maybe it is. I still wonder if there isn’t something to it.
I read somewhere that Mother Teresa was asked to participate in anti-war demonstrations against the Vietnam war, and she declined, saying (I’m paraphrasing the idea of her words here) that she was not going to make the war more powerful by focusing her energy on it. Instead, she suggested they hold a celebration of peace and that she would attend to allow her energy to strengthen that ideal.
It’s kinda like that. The world on a whole is in so much chaos and it has been for a long, long time, even before our latest Presidential election. There’s rampant misogyny throughout the world, so many innocents are killed in war zones, both foreign and domestic; living in certain parts of Milwaukee is basically like living in a war zone. We see all of this and more on the news and hear about it on the radio. We read about it on the internet, and in newspapers, if you happen to be a dinosaur like myself and still enjoy a crisp, unread front page in your hand. There’s no getting away from it. It’s terrible and we hate it and all our energy is focused on bad. On tragedy. On evil.
Maybe all the negative energy spills over in our every days lives, too. We have anxiety attacks. We can’t sleep. We can’t relax. We get sick.
In my own personal world, both my mother and my husband’s father are having health problems. Both are quite elderly, so neither is a surprise. That doesn’t mean it’s not sad. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. In addition to that, my husband is still struggling with the knee injury he got a couple of weeks ago. I also know of a fellow blogger, a writing teacher I had over 15 years ago who really inspired me, that just got a cancer diagnosis today. My heart aches for her. My girlfriend just lost a close family member last week. Even my pet sitter’s father is ill. I’m sure there are many more heartaches, I’m leaving out. It just feels like, collectively, we’re all in a rough patch right now.
At the risk of sounding like a Pollyanna, I’d like to challenge everyone to find positive events throughout the day to focus on. It can be hard. It is hard. But I’d like to see the collective energy that we’re all connected through focus on good for a change. Even if it’s just for a moment or two. Let’s see if we can swing the tide of the Universe the other way.
Today, after being at the hospital all day, my husband and I had dinner and stopped at a carpet store. Since my mom’s house is vacant for now, we thought it would be a good time to move ourselves and the menagerie into it for a few days and replace our badly scarred kitchen vinyl.
When I say badly scarred, I’m talking Ammityville Horror level scarred. In addition to multiple cracks, gouges and seams lifting, there’s a two foot spot in front of the patio door that turns shades of red for no reason I’ve ever figured out. It can go from a lighter red speckle to deep, blood red that covers the entire pattern of the floor in that 2 foot area. I’m not going to lie, it creeps me out a bit. Especially since it’s moves into different spots within the affected area. It’s like it’s alive. It’s gotta go.
So tonight I’m in the flooring store browsing at kitchen vinyl and carpet, because we might as well do that, too, since we’re moving out for a few days. Suddenly, I got dizzy, super warm, and I started to feel nauseous. The tall stacks of carpet samples, most of which came up to my shoulders, felt like they were closing in. Kind of like being in a funhouse where the walls move in around you. I was afraid I was going to pass out, so I tossed the carpet sample to Dennis and high-tailed it out of the store. I got the A/C running in the car and took great gulps of it into my lungs.
I’m pretty sure I had my first panic attack today. I would like it to be my last, so I’m committed to focusing on good things, too. I can’t completely control not giving energy to bad things, especially with Mom in the hospital, but I will make it a point to focus on good, too.
When I got home tonight after the panic attack, I went outside with the dogs and sat on my swing in the front yard. Sammy jumped on my lap and licked my face, wiggling the whole time because he hadn’t seen me all day. Charlie laid his head on my leg and leg me pet him. It was exactly what I needed.
These past few days, I’ve been going out there after returning from the hospital to sit, and take stock. Imagine various flavors of my future and my mother’s future, or whether or not she even has much of a future.
Today I didn’t. Sure, decisions will have to be made and discussed at some point. But tonight I took a half hour to remember to live in moment. Enjoy the dogs I love. Laugh at the three cat heads peering out the screen door longing to come outside with us. Enjoying the coolness of the onset of evening, while still feeling the warming of the setting sun on my face. It was lovely and serene and my anxiety and panic slipped away. I didn’t even have a fuzzy navel wine cooler tonight.
Please, let’s all focus at least a small part of our days to good, put that good energy out in the Universe, too, so we all have a fighting chance.
11:44 pm 6/27/17
7:09 am 6/28/17 — I realized this morning that I fell asleep before I added a title.